My Experience as Youth Pastor

Today I'm only giving one warning. The following will contain frank language about sex. If you don't want to read it then go visit the link I gave above.

So yesterday I posted about a text I got from one of my students. The student asked if "fingering is sex?" Of course this is part of a much broader topic that comes under the heading of "what can I do and still be a virgin." I have talked with my teens, including this one, in the past about how this is the wrong question to ask. If we are asking this question then we are asking how close we can get to sin and we should be asking how close we can get to God. Of course, the problem is that in the world the teens live in they are confronted with the wrong question all the time and they need real answers to those real questions.

Is fingering or a hand job sex?

Is oral sex sex?

Is anal sex sex?

Is dry humping sex?

Is it wrong to French kiss, make out, fondle breasts, kiss breasts ….

Where do we draw the line?

Here is the problem as I see it. People want answers to these questions and we blush when we even think about the question much less giving our teens the answer. I tried searching 4 different Christian youth resource websites for answers to these questions. I found plenty of articles about sex but nothing specifically addressing these issues. Everything was very generic and pointed to Biblical standards for purity without worrying too much about the details. If my student had tried searching online instead of asking she would have been pointed to everything but a Christian answer in my experience from searching. I did find some secular sites that wrestled with definitions of virginity and what is considered sex. Some of them did a pretty good job of dealing with those questions while others were mostly concerned with what sexual acts could result in what diseases or pregnancy and the proper precautions.

I feel it is important to address the issue as a Christian so let me once again offer this definition.

Sex can be given the strict definition of penetration of the vagina by the penis, but that is not the only definition that should be considered.

Sexual acts are any actions that lead to sexual gratification. This can be through climax or through physical pleasure of a sexual nature that does not necessarily lead to climax. This may be with a partner/s or individually, so masturbation is a sexual act as is mutual masturbation, viewing pornography, reading explicit material, oral/anal sex, grinding, making out … the list really goes on and on.

Sexual acts activate various stages of arousal and potentially climax. As your body processes these there are chemical and emotional responses that cause strong attachment. These kinds of bonds are best served in marriage and promote a strong healthy marriage. Outside of marriage there is also a strong attachment, but since there is a less serious bond, or nonexistent in the case of pornography and such, there is a potential for this bond to be severed. This leads to many problems including weakening the potential bond with your future spouse. We are not designed to have this bond broken and reformed over and over.

In other words, the more often a person engages in sexual acts outside of marriage the harder it becomes to bond with a lifelong spouse. Add this to the potential for STDs and pregnancy and it becomes clear why God has told us we should keep ourselves pure until marriage.

Still don't think that sexual acts infringe on purity? Ask yourself this, would you want someone to force a sexual act on you? If someone forced a hundred dollars on you would that be wrong? Some stranger walking down the street sticks a hundred dollar bill in your hand and walks off … is that a violation of your person? Of course not, but if that stranger touched you sexually or kissed you and you would feel violated. That is because we know this is something we should guard.

Years from now many of the people we dated in high school will be strangers to us. Think about that for a minute. What are you willing to let a stranger do to you? I don't know most of the girls I dated in high school to be honest. I think that is something worth considering when we ask ourselves just what we should do with a person.

I feel that I've offered several reasons here for what is not acceptable and why. Do you agree? Did I miss anything? Should we cover this discussion up as Christians?