Saturday, June 13, 2009

Our frigintastical fanatic of freedoms is confronted with an engine of doom. The Bored of Elders has activate the church split machine because SYP was able to resist their mind numbing boredom.

The ground was shaking under SYPs feet and the drywall was already cracking. He stumbled into the sanctuary are saw a large crack forming at the back of the church and crawling to the front. The church was literally splitting in half. SYP rushed back into the bored room and grabbed the Elder Grump.

"What have you done?" He cried above the roar.

"What have I done? It is what you have done. You left us no choice. IF you don't listen to us we must split the church for the greater good."

"What are you talking about? How can this be good for anyone? Tell me how to stop it"

"It's too late, once the engine has been started it will take on a life of its own."

SYP threw the Elder against a crumbling wall and rushed to the one that had activated the machine. SYP snatched the controller out of his surprisingly strong grip. It only have one button and pushing it again didn't change a thing.

"Where is the source of the split?"

"I'll never tell you."

SYP dropped the man and went to Super Pastor who was fully alert by this point.

"They've done it haven't they? They started a church split," Super Pastor lamented.

"SP you gotta tell me how to stop this."

"I'm afraid you can't. When powers collide it often sets off a chain reaction that cannot be stopped."

SYP was already leaving as SP went on. The second he heard the word, "can't" SYP headed for the door. He could barely walk now but found his way to the sanctuary. The crack was huge. At the back it was large enough for a man to fall into. Then SYP did something crazy. He jumped into the fissure. SYP figured the Split Engine would be at the base of the opening. He fell for some time before tumbling into a cavernous chamber. With his super ability to see in the dark he had no trouble seeing in the dimly lit space, and what he beheld was a sight to see.

There before him stood the single biggest machine SYP had ever seen. It has massive pistons attached to the foundation of the church and electricity sparked within the spinning generators like lightening. It seemed to exude doom, but SYP was still full of his high caffeine energy drink and rush straight towards the towering giant.

Despite himself SYP yelled at the beast, "you come against this church with grease and electricity but I come against you in the name of the Lord, and possibly a little ADD."

There didn't seem to be a control panel so SYP started pulling at wires. They shot out great jolts of electricity but nothing slowed the device down. If anything his efforts seemed to make it worse. SYP tried using biting sarcasm to cut the pistons from the foundation but they didn't react to anything he said. Super Pastor might have been right, but SYP wasn't ready to give up.

He pulled and strained against the shaking and bucking monster but couldn't budge it. The device towered over him and not even super strength could move it. The cracking foundation was raining down about him now and he could see the split had moved through most of the sanctuary. The cross at the front was clearly visible now. The machine bucked SYP and he spiraled to the ground amidst the raining debris. A huge chunk of the foundation narrowly missed SYPs head. In frustration he picked up the great chunk of concrete and heaved it at the machine. It wedged into the sparking generator and fouled one of the contacts. The machine began to lose steam and SYP began picking up more and more slabs of foundation. He eventually had to pull out chunks of the chamber wall and throw those into the machine trying to foul the rest of the contacts. As the last of the shaking subsided SYP collapsed. The crack had reached the front of the sanctuary but didn't split the church.

SYP crawled into the broken and crumbling church. It had not been split but there was significant damage. The church would need to have serious repairs done to the foundation and it would be a long time before it was right again. SYP was exhausted but went back to deal with the Bored of Elders. As he pushed the door open he saw they had all fled. Super Pastor stood there in shock.

"I can't believe they did it. I thought if I didn't push them they would never split the church."

"SP, they didn't. I was able to stop the machine. We have a lot of work to do but they failed."

Will the church ever be repaired? What happened to the Bored of Elders? Who is going to clean up this mess? Find out on the next SYP. Same SYP time same SYP blog.


Helen said...

Mmmm. Good that there was no split. I hope SYP figures out how to fix the damages.

Nick the Geek said...

hmmm we'll see how that goes.

katdish said...

Okay, that was good.

Does the bored elder look like the old rich guy on the Simpsons? That's how I picture him.

Nick the Geek said...


OK that works for me. I imagine him to look a bit more like Sauruman in the Lord of the Rings (Christopher Lee). Of course that has to do with personal experience with a Board Member at another church that was ... um ... controlling who looked like that.

Shark Bait said...

"you come against this church with grease and electricity but I come against you in the name of the Lord, and possibly a little ADD."

It doesn't get any better than that.


Nick the Geek said...

SB, ok that is like 100 million % better than anything I wrote. I might have to steal it and put it into this as if I thought of it.

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