So here is the follow up to the post I made about “Love and relationship: or how do you deal with a homosexual?” a few days ago. This post is why I am doing this as anonymous as I can.
I knew on some level that I would eventually have a teen wrestling with their sexual identity in my Youth group, but I am less than prepared. Right now there are two. It isn’t that they have come out to me but rather it is about things I have perceived. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not relying on some internal “gaydar” or something. This is a bit more logical than that.
The one is a guy, and while he is artistic and such that isn’t what tipped me off. I’m not so dense as to think that artistic guys must be gay. Now it has to do with a fight he had with a girl that was a very good friend of his. Apparently they were talking late into the night and he asked her what she thought about homosexuals. She laid down the law so to speak and they ended up fighting intensely enough that they are no longer friends. It may be that he has a close friend or relative that is gay, but after that I started looking at his relationships. I am comfortable in my assessment that he is wrestling with who he is and I’m at a loss as to how to help him.
I have said it very clearly that I believe homosexual sex is a sin. This doesn’t mean that it is a sin to be homosexual. I think this is a very important distinction. This young man may honestly be attracted to men, but that doesn’t make him evil. He considers himself a Christian, and so I believe that these standards must be kept, but the part is am really wrestling with, is how to talk to him. I have been trying to build a relationship with him, over the past few months, but I don’t know how to tell when we have reached the, “so you like boys?” stage of the relationship. I don’t want to offend him like his one friend did. I don’t think that she should have dropped the hammer like she did to be honest. I tried talking with her about it, but she is wrestling with other issues and so isn’t in a place to understand the concepts that I’m wrestling with.
The other person is a girl. So far as I can tell she considers herself bi and is in a relationship with another girl. This is based on comments she has made on MySpace, and pictures she put up. Maybe this is a cry for attention, I don’t’ know. She asked me to be her friend and posted the pictures the day after I accepted so …
The thing is, this girl doesn’t really consider herself a Christian. I’m not completely sure why she comes to church, but I don’t want to run her off. It is a little harder for me to build a relationship with her because I am intentionally distant with the girls in the youth group. None of them are in my “inner circle.” It isn’t that I don’t think girls are “worthy.” In fact I think the girls in my group are more mature in just about every way including spiritually. My concern is for myself. I don’t want to find myself in a close relationship with a girl I’m not related to. It just makes things dangerous.
This means I have to rely on my female leadership to take her in. The problem is I don’t really know if they are in a place to love her unconditionally. A lot of them have this idea that being gay is a sin in and of itself, and that it is the second worst sin out there, abortion being the top sin, but that is a post for another day.
Anyways, I thought maybe some people had some ideas on how to move forward. I’ve said in the past that patience, or rather lack of, is one of my biggest struggles. I believe that this will really try my patience, so if nothing else pray that I am able to wait until the time is right in all things.
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4 comments:
Hi Nick,
Is there a way I can send you my thoughts privately? I have a lot to say on the subject and I don't want to clog your comments/not sure if I want to air all of this publicly.
jennifer,
certainly there are ways to send your thoughts to me privately. I might have to think about how to get my email to you. I tried looking at your profile but ti says it isn't available. If you post your email I'll send you an email and then delete your comment.
Otherwise I'll have to think for a bit longer. I really don't want people to know who I am and posting my email is a big clue to who I am.
As far as cluttering up my comments. I honestly don't mind. If you don't want to share publicly I understand though.
Nick,
I was gonna sit down and write something really wise and helpful for you. But something really weird happened instead. I stumbled through about six paragraphs, and then words started to flow. And suddenly I was writing a sermon!
It's too long to post here, and it's off the subject of your question, so I'm not sure that it's gonna be helpful, but I'd like to invite you to read it. I guess you've got the wisdom to decide whether I was channeling Jesus or Satan, but I swear - no, I don't swear, I'm just gonna keep my communication on a yea, yea level - it was easy. It was words that seemed to flow from somewhere behind me through my fingers to the keyboard and the monitor without my help.
I hope it's helpful. I wish there was something I could do to ease your dilemma. Maybe there is. You're welcome to email me directly if you want to talk.
Be blessed. And don't worry. The Universe has it under control, and She'll give you the wisdom you need, when you need it.
When it gets right down to it, you don't have to know how to talk to the kids, or what you're gonna say to them about it. All you have to do is keep an open heart, and when they're ready, they'll give you a sign, and you'll know it, and the words will flow from you, too. But they won't be yours. They'll come from somewhere behind you, and the love and the peace in your heart will tell you they're true.
Again, this post was in August, so maybe this is all resolved and my comment will be a moot point.
You are still a youth pastor though, so chances are you'll deal with this from time to time.
From my perspective, right now, my theology vs. your theology is irrelevant to me.
I mentioned in a previous comment that I am gay and grew up in the church. I don't claim to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination.
What I can tell you is that for me, personally, I had a very hard time growing up with this massive internal struggle. I grew up loving God, and being taught that what I felt and thought was wrong.
I think (my opinion) your priority should be to show Christ's love to these two teenagers. They may not always show it, but the reassurance of God's love and grace is so important right now.
If you want, we can discuss the rest, too. Right now though, that's what is important.
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